The family on the internet: parental mediation and the importance of dialogue

What comes to your mind when the word “family” is attached to “internet”? Regardless of political differences, good morning messages and fake news, it is undisputed that family relationships have become different in this context when we communicate and learn even more about the world through the internet. As much as our uncles say that we “just keep scrolling on the phone”, it is also important to remember that the online world (or virtual, widely used term and that I, like anthropologist Jair Ramos, do not think is that appropriate) is not separate from the offline world. These two worlds are real, and the rise of technology has expanded our possibilities for relationship with the world, people, and hence our own families.

In the following, I will discuss a little better about the role that the internet is taking on our family relationships and the conflicts that arise when it comes to protecting young people online.

“Pause the game and come lunch!” “But it’s online, Mom!”

In the family our first contact with life in society happens. In this environment we grow, develop our personalities and also the way we relate to other people. With that in mind, what changes in this place where we graduate as social subjects in the context of taking a peek at notifications between a forkful and another at lunchtime?

Today it is common to see headlines and hear comments about how “children no longer look into their parents’ eyes” or that “internet is responsible for destroying many relationships”. But let’s face it, the fault is really on the internet? What about TV, which has been on during lunch since the last century?

It is important to keep in mind that technologies such as the Internet and TV have a social character as they blend into the interpersonal relationships we have established. As Josgrilberg says:

“Some lines of communicational thinking, especially Marshall McLuhan, suggest an even greater technological determinism of somewhatcharacter  psychologizing, that is, altering the modes of human perception.” 

Technologies – especially information and communication technologies (ICTs) – bring new dynamics that impact on the ways we live together and, more specifically, in family. Factors such as the speed with which we have access to information – not always reliable, by the way – and the need for sharing, include in the family environment a logic of coexistence that contrasts between generations of parents, children and even siblings.

Why only have lunch if we can have lunch while listening to the daily news on TV, or while following it on Twitter? These habits bring challenges for coexistence, and one of the main ones is how to maintain relationships that require time and continuous attention in a context in which the immediacy and execution of tasks in a fragmented way – the notorious multitasking – reign. 

Take the cell phone, look at the history or just talk about it?

When our first computer came home, at that time when the internet was still dial up and used to make a horrible noise to get connected, I remember my mother used to say that each brother was entitled to one hour a day on the computer. My brother and I used to took turns and it was all right. Nowadays, when I look at my younger cousins ​​and uncles, I realize that usage time is not the big question, but “what are they doing on the internet that is so interesting?”

Regardless of the generational differences and how each family member handles the situation, parents – or the ones who are responsible for kids or teenagers – are concerned about the relationship of children and youth to technology. This concern, which not infrequently generates conflict in families, is very much related not only to the content to which children have access, but also to how much parents themselves know about the risks and possibilities that the internet offers. With this in mind, it is necessary that the relationship of children and young people with the internet become mediated.

So-called parental mediation is how parents and guardians manage their children’s relationship with the world through technology. through rules, restrictions, guidance and supervision. Mediation involves many issues, such as:

• the Active Mediation, through which parents talk, guide and discuss with their children about what they see and do on the Internet;
• the Restrictive Mediation, when parents create rules for Internet use by their children (such as a time limit, which websites can be accessed or not) but do not have a dialogue with them;
• and Accompanied Use, which is when parents are present watching while their children perform activities on the Internet, but also do not dialogue with them.

Thinking about these forms of mediation, beyond a security issue, is also thinking about the possibilities that children have on the Internet. While restricting access to certain content and keeping track of their children’s access is an important role, parents who advise on the best behaviors regarding technology use encourage their children to use it to its fullest potential for information, healthy communication and entertainment. Thus, it is ideal that the forms of mediation have a good balance and always come with dialogue.

Your parents do not understand you, nor do you understand your parents

Every relationship of social interaction happens through dialogue, and what we are seeing these days is that these moments have become increasingly fragmented. Whether we send messages from WhatsApp warning our parents that we’ve arrived in somewhere, or receive comments from our parents on our Facebook profile photos, we can’t say that we’ve stopped communicating with our families because of the internet. The point may be that we think that it is enough and we end up not establishing the continuous and relevant bond that really affects us, proper to the family relationship.

The 2017 ICT Online KIDs Survey found that 70% of brazilian parents and guardians believed that they used the internet safely, but at the same time 50% of children and young people pointed out that their guardians knew “more or less” or nothing about what they were doing on the internet. With these numbers, it is clear that while we think of parents of newer generations as those who have more information than those of older generations, the children are (or at least think they are) one step ahead.

How to live in family, also on the internet?

If, on the one hand, parents want more eye-to-eye and safety, on the other, children also want freedom to enjoy the potential of the internet. So, why not to balance this situation? The family is a place where we live together, and living together is always a negotiation: what can we do, say or access? These questions arise and the answers must be given together so that a relationship of trust can be established through dialogue – both on and offline. How about talking to your family about using the internet, apart from the good morning messages?

In closing, I leave here a guide for parents and guardians about the safety of children and young people on the internet, as well as a post from Luíza, director of IRIS, about how the issue of internet security is going.